OT/FARM HUMOR

2 messages

Originally from: lina

Rev. Bloom's Kitten
One Sunday morning, Rev. Bloom's kitten climbed up a
tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He
tried everything. He pleaded with it – "Here kitty
kitty," he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of
milk by the tree and then placed his pet's basket by
the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rev.
thought about the problem for a while and came up with
a solution. He tied one end of a rope to the tree,
attached the other end to his car and drove away
slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got
out the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach
his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a
little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the
tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the
air out of sight. Rev. Bloom immediately went looking
for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd
seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it
had gone, it had become good company. Some days later,
he met Freda in the deli and was surprised to see some
cat food in her basket – he knew she hated cats.
"Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate
cats?" he asked. "You won't believe me, Rev.," she
replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for
weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few
days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her
that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I
watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the
sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rev., I know you
won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A
cat suddenly came flying out of the sky ..." ___________________________________________________
Quick thinking Canuck

A man walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working
in that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was
insistent that the boy ask his manager about the
matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his
manager, "Some asshole
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished
his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he
added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the
other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his
way. Later the
manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with
the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people
who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and
hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit? Who did she play for?" ___________________________________________________
The Cow

The farmer had been taken so many times by the local
truck dealer that when the time came for the truck
dealer to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like
this:

Basic Cow $ 600
Two-Tone Exterior 135
Extra Stomach 225
Product Storage and
dispensing device 180
4 Spigots & $30 each 120
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery 375
Dual Horns @ $22.50 each 45
Automatic Fly Swatter 105

Sticker Price $1,785
5% Cash Rebate 89

Total $1,696
___________________________________________________
HMOs
Earning a Place in Heaven

Several people who had worked in health care
professions before they died were lined up together –
hoping for entrance through the Pearly Gates into
heaven. One by one they stepped forward to respond to
St. Peter's "gatekeeping" questions.

"And what area of health care were you involved with?"
he asked the first.

"I worked in a community health center in a
poverty-stricken neighborhood," the man replied.

"Excellent," said St. Peter, "How self-giving; please
pass through to your heavenly reward."

"And you?" Peter asked the second.

"I spent most of my life in nursing, caring for the
needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms."

"A noble calling, indeed," said Peter, "You're in!"

"What about you?" he asked the third.

"Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent
administering an HMO plan."

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his
pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked
the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he
said to the man: "I've got some good news. I think I
can get you into heaven for five days." ___________________________________________________
High Score

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently, and learned all he could. When the time
for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam
with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he
was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor,
saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been
an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra
50% because you did all of it through the exhaust
pipe."
___________________________________________________
COLD WATER

Can you get things clean with Cold Water?

A man went to visit his Grandfather. His Grandfather
lived
in a very remote, secluded, rural area of Arkansas.

After spending the night at the house, his Grandfather
prepared a
breakfast of eggs and bacon. As the man was eating he
noticed a film
like
substance on the plate, and he asked, "Grandfather,
are these plates
clean?"

His Grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold
water can get 'em,
so go on and finish your meal."

Later on that day, Grandfather prepared a lunch of
hamburger steak and

new potatoes. As the man was eating he noticed tiny
specks around the
edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like
dried egg yolk.
Concerned about his health, he asked again,
"Grandfather, are you
sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his plate, his Grandfather
replied, "I told
you
before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can
get 'em, now don't

ask me about it any more!"

That evening, the man decided to go out to a
restaurant for dinner in
a nearby town. As he walked toward his car, his
Grandfather's dog
started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather," the man
complained, "Your dog won't let me by."

Without diverting his attention from the Razorbacks
game on
television, Grandfather shouted- "Coldwater! Get up
and move out of
the way and let the boy pass!" ___________________________________________________
Sharp Cop

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
officer during a felony

trial – it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer,
do you have a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life,that

you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a
prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this
year's

'Best Comeback' line.

Want a bet he'll win.